How we speak to our child, the words we use while speaking to him or her, plays a very important role in the development of the child.

To begin with, we must recognise that by using certain words again and again over a period of time, we ensure that certain karma gets deeply associated, almost built in, with those words. By this, we mean that each word has an unconscious karmic association with an underlying meaning of the word.

For example, the minute we hear a child being described as ‘hyperactive’, we immediately draw a mental map of the child as being someone with whom something is wrong. We even label the child thus and begin to think of ways to rectify the wrong. But if you call the same ‘hyperactive’ child ‘playful’, we will begin to see the situation very, very differently. If we see the child jumping around exuberantly and look at him as a playful child — probably like Krishna who was ever so playful — we will not find him hyperactive but playful. So, the words that we use have a tremendous potential in shaping the being of a child.

Let me give you another example. In our Gurukulam, we don’t call homework by that name. We call it ‘home-play’ because anything that a child is supposed to do in life is play; hence the name ‘home-play’.

Similarly, the word ‘teacher’ takes on a different meaning in formal education systems. When we say the word ‘teacher’, we unconsciously bring about a separation between the teacher and the student in that the teacher imparts education to the student. This implies that the teacher knows more than the students, and that the teacher is at a higher level than the student.

In our Gurukulam, we ensure a more homely atmosphere. So, instead of calling them teachers, we call them didis. The child thus remains connected with the concept of family, and sees ‘didi’ as an extension of the family; thus, the separation is diminished.

We call ‘holidays’ as ‘home-days’. The reason is very simple. By calling days of staying at home ‘holidays’, we imply that other days are ‘working days’. Work is always made out to be stressful whereas holidays invariably stand for enjoyment. Life, in my opinion, is an expression of one’s joyfulness.

From this perspective, every day is a holiday; so, why term one day, be it Saturday or Sunday, as a holiday? Thus, the day when children stay at home is not called a holiday but a home-day.

Words have a powerful bearing on the way the child develops. In this book, you will find several instances where we have deliberately changed a number of expressions, and the parents need to be very aware of them for the sake of their child. Ascribing preconceived labels to the child is extremely demoralising for him or her.

Always address the child as how you would like him to be rather than how he is. For example, if you have a very shy child, then you either say, “You are very shy”, which does nothing to drive away the shyness, or you focus on his confidence and say, “You are a tremendously confident child” for every little achievement of his. Thus, by giving this kind of positive reinforcement, you will actually end up making him more confident and outgoing.

You should perceive the child the way you want him to be; address him that way by using words which have that kind of impact. The child will automatically become all that you want him to be. But for this, the parent needs to be tremendously aware and alert. Awareness comes from silence of the mind. Silence comes from meditation. So, one who meditates automatically becomes aware and uses his words appropriately!  

The 15 Magical Words

By now, I’m sure, you’ve got a fair idea of how to get children to do things you want them to do, and, that too, with a lot of ease and fun. To make things simpler, I will list here some words which work instantaneously on the child. This means that the moment a child hears any of these words, his ears stand up, his eyes light up and his lips break into that impish grin. His entire body gains momentum and then there’s nothing that can stop him.

None of these words are novel and I’m sure that each one of us has used every one of these listed words at some point of time. However, what is novel is the awareness that these words can actually work as saviours in the most trying situations.

The following are the various words you can use. I suggest you experiment with them right away and await the beautiful responses.

1. Secret

This is the most loved of all words. The feeling of importance and uplift that a child gets when you tell him, “We’ll keep this a secret” is unimaginable.

At an outing of our school, one of the girls, Namaha, had a bad cough. Her mother Paulomi was constantly behind her to give her medicines, but Namaha refused to oblige. Very softly, I asked Vedoci, my daughter, to call Namaha to me. When Namaha came, I whispered to her, “Let’s have the medicine quietly and keep it a secret from mummy”. Excitedly, Namaha gulped down her medicines. She then ran up to her mom and told her, “Mamma, I haven’t had my medicines”. It took Paulomi some time to understand what had happened. From then on, ‘medicine time’ became ‘secret time’ and I became ‘secret uncle’.

2. Picnic

When we say, “Let’s go for a picnic”, it brings in an atmosphere of entertainment for the child. A picnic need not be an extravagant outing. Any place you go to with some packed lunch can be called a picnic.

At times your child does not want to accompany you to a place of importance to you. This same place can be made to look important to the child, too, by making it look like a picnic spot. Even if there is a small, little garden or park around the place you are visiting, you and your child can actually go up to it after you have wound up your work, and have a ball of a time.

3. Surprise

The word ‘surprise’ can work wonders. An otherwise dawdling child may actually hurry up the process and get it over with before you know it.

It was one of those days when Vedoci would awake very late in the morning. Just then I had gone down for some work.

My wife, Nina, hurriedly went up to Vedoci and told her, “You know what, let’s get dressed up fast, before papa comes up; we’ll give him a big surprise”. Vedoci took to this so well that it took her only 5 minutes to do all her morning chores, which would otherwise have taken her more than an hour. So, you see, we waste so much energy in persuasion, trying to get things done in a normal way, using our left brain.

4. Idea

“I have an idea” — this statement literally switches on a bulb in a child’s mind. Your idea may be as simple as “Let’s get dressed fast and then we’ll have milk in a saucer today”. You’ll be amazed with the results.

5. Game

“Let’s play a game” — this statement naturally brings in an element of fun in any activity. A number of otherwise uninteresting things can be made very interesting when done in the form of a game.

I once wanted Vedoci to read me a book; she was not very happy with the idea and gave me a bored look. I immediately changed my words and told her, “Vedoci, let’s play a game. We’ll open this book and you point to me 7 words, which are different to you, then I will tell you what they are”. This worked and very soon we were both peacefully reading the book.

6. Counting numbers

“1… 2… and, the last one is, …3.” This, I suppose, is an age-old way of getting children to do something when otherwise they would not have obliged.

Yug, a 2½ year old, of our school is fascinated by hair, especially those of girls, and never misses a chance to get them in his grip. His mother gave the counting technique a try after having tried various other methods, and, to her surprise, it worked, not once but again and again and again. So now, whenever Yug is holding on to somebody’s hair, we say, “Yug will leave the hair at the count of three”, and very much so: at the last count Yug would happily let go of the hair.

7. Animal friends

Animals are a child’s best friends. Children are fascinated by animals and will do anything to imitate them. Combing hair in the morning while getting dressed to school is a painful task for both Vedoci and Nina, my wife; this, however, gets much simplified when she’s given a choice between the rabbit style (two ponytails) or the horse style (one ponytail or braid). Her face breaks into a grin and the process is completed with ease.

8. Don’ttell anyone

This works on the same lines as ‘Let’s keep it a secret’. For example, when you tell a child very enthusiastically, “Don’t tell anyone that you have finished drinking your milk”, the milk is bound to go down his throat in a matter of seconds.

9. Story

This is another word which has been used time and again for generations together. All children love stories. The concept of storytelling has been explained at various stages in this book.

10. Fun

The monotony of an activity can be easily broken by the words, “Let’s have some fun”. The surge of energy that flows into the child with the advent of these words is worth the watch.

11. Magic

‘Magic’ is a combination of idea, surprise and fun. The atmosphere it creates is obviously a combined effect of all the three. Of course, you don’t have to be a magician to perform magic for children. Anything that you show them with lots of spirit is ‘magic’. “After undergoing ISP, I understood one thing very clearly: I am the cause of my child’s behavior. I also understood that if I need to change my child in a certain way, I need to change myself. ISP has helped me to understand my child more and more clearly day by day and has also developed my level of patience and confidence. I can describe this with many incidents and want to share one of them.

The first thing that I would like to share is that no matter whatever or whenever Sharwill throws a tantrum fit, I am able to handle it with confidence and positive energy effortlessly. Sharwill loves wearing the same favourite pair of jeans and formal shirt to school every day. Every morning, before going to school, there would be a special morning show to wear the same set of clothes to school. Even if the clothes were wet, he was firm on wearing the same. This resulted in throwing loads of tantrums every day.

One day, while coming from school, I told him: ‘You know, Sharwill, last night, when you were sleeping, I opened the cupboard to get something and I saw two small clothes (a T-shirt and shorts) discussing among themselves, asking each other and saying, “God knows when we will get the chance to go to school; we are so bored sitting at home inside the cupboard like this. Nobody cares for us and takes us out”’. Sharwill was quietly listening to the story I had cooked up for him. Next morning, I asked him what he wanted to wear to school, and the answer instantly was, ‘Aai, I want to wear T-shirt and shorts today to school’.

Ar. Shrutika M. Nilakh, Sr.Vice President, Synectics shrutika.nilakh@syneticsindia.in

12. Gift

A gift is a ‘treasure’ for a child irrespective of its monetary worth. A gift creates a bond with the child.

Whenever Vedoci visits my mother, that is, her dadi, she receives a gift from her. My clear instructions to my mother are that the value of none of her gifts to Vedoci should exceed Rs. 20 (up to the age of 6 years).

Similarly, whenever Vedoci visits her nani, too, she receives a gift. This gift is any sweet cooked by nani (as Vedoci is very fond of sweets).

Vedoci is very happy with both these varieties of gifts and always looks forward to visiting her grandparents.

13. Guess what?

“Guess what?” is an effective combination of surprise, fun and secret. It elevates the curiosity in a child and keeps him asking for more.

14. Something new

“I’ll show you something new.” This sentence makes the child very attentive. His brain begins to work in all possible directions, trying to figure out ‘what it is that he doesn’t already know’.

15. Whisper

‘Whisper’ is an all-rounder and most important. An enthusiastic whisper in a child’s ear can work miracles. Every word comprised in this list, when whispered, multiplies the results at least ten times.

This is one of my favourites: I whisper to Vedoci to wake her from sleep, I whisper to her at bath time, breakfast time, dressing-up time, sleeping time and every time. It has given me wonderful results.

Each of these 15 expressions has an importance of its own. There is no guarantee that a particular word will work in any given situation. There is also no guarantee that if it has worked once, in a particular situation, it will work again in the same situation. However, the guarantee is that at least one of them will surely work for every situation.

Be aware that these are your trump cards; if one doesn’t work, you put forth the next.

Always remember that these words are like individual beads; the thread that binds them and creates an ornament out of them comprises a lot of Joy, a lot of Enthusiasm, a lot of Excitement and a lot of Drama from your side, abbreviated as ‘JEED’ for the sake of convenience.

JEED sounds like the Hindi word jidd meaning ‘stubborn behaviour’; we jokingly say that if you have in yourself the above JEED, you can handle any jidd of a child.

Parenting, at times, can be the most taxing or burdensome experience. These 15 magical words will provide the much-needed solace for parents by easing it out for them. The challenge of using these words will certainly excite you as it is bound to spare you from a difficult, time-consuming tantrum that could follow if the situation were not handled creatively.

In short, just have fun with your child! Operate and move from the right brain rather than being logical from the left brain. Be spontaneous, mad, crazy etc., and you will have the best time of your life. Jump, dance, play, run and do all the crazy things you would like to but are afraid, or shy, of doing because we have been conditioned to believe that ‘It looks mad’, ‘It does not look good’ or ‘What will people say?’ This is what I have to say to this: let people say what they want to say; slowly, you will find that they are all following you!

Just think: you go on using all these magical words, and what is it doing to you as a person? Yes, it is bringing about a beautiful change in you: your child is telling you, ‘Daddy, Mummy, don’t be too serious in your life; liven up your life with some joy, enthusiasm, excitement and drama; Daddy, add some fun in your life; Daddy, be like me, a child, and let’s have fun together, let’s play together’.

The child is actually parenting you. Unfortunately, most of us parents forget that the child is constantly there for us as our guide. We, instead, try to teach, dictating to him how to be and how not to be, forgetting that, in reality, it is not we who is the teacher but he, training us, teaching us. He is constantly reminding us to be a child once again!