Quit Arguing in Their Presence!
By Manoj Lekhi
Since ancient times, we have been hearing - Do not argue in front of children! Do not fight in front of children! Do not shout in front of our children!
We have been hearing this advice from our parents and we continue to give it to our children emphatically.
What is the reason for this ? This is because when they see us, what they see is what they imbibe!
As we are aware, today, medical science has proven that every thought or emotion we experience during pregnancy itself, has an effect on the child!
So, where does it all begin ?
An experiment was conducted on ADHD children whose brain is not so developed as others. An inquiry into why the child was refusing to take milk from the bottle shaking his head left and right not wishing to take the milk.. The mother had also refused to give milk till the child was extremely hungry and whenever the child would happen to look at the mother she would feed him milk. Again after he sees for a long while she would feed him and he would do the same thing and this went on and consequently the child trained himself that only when I look at my mother I will get the milk and the brain disorder was set in because of this.
This experiment goes to show that eyes play a huge part in imbibing the qualities or the scenario when we are young,
Did you know 83% of the information comes through our eyes? Hence, children are the most impressionable specifically in the young age 0-7years. When they see parents fighting, arguing and shouting at each other, that is the first quality they imbibe and unknowingly they set a deep program within themselves.
Let us talk about early childhood starting from first 0-7 years, starting from pregnancy itself.
Every bit of information is assimilated by the child through the 5 senses – sight, smell, taste, touch and sound. However, seeing with the eyes absorbs maximum information from the surroundings.
It all starts not only after birth but even before the child is born. Information assimilation commences from conception itself. All that the mother thinks is transmitted to the child, everything that the mother feels reaches the fetus, every way that the mother acts also influences the fetus. The entire programming starts the minute the baby is conceived, so quit arguments in their presence! I would go further to state, not only in their physical presence, but quit arguing in your thoughts and taking it one step further, I would reiterate quit arguing within your feelings too. In short, quit arguments, quit fights! The point to be emphasized here is that any kind of argument between the couple is immediately relayed to the child. Whether the argument is a verbal one or a physical fight; whether the couple is arguing in thoughts or is harbouring feelings of resentment toward each other; it is emotionally damaging to the child!
Let us understand the science behind this.
Every child from the fetus stage to 2 years, upto 7 years, then next 7 years and upto next 7 years and so on, observe what they see, hear, smell, touch, feel and taste and imbibe it all! During the fetus stage, the downloading of information to the brain is fastest of all through the thoughts and feelings of the mother.
In the first 2 years they are said to be in the theta state where downloading is extremely fast. In the next five years, they are in delta state and after 7 years of age they are in the alpha and gradually move into the beta state where downloading becomes slower.
Thus what we as parents do in the first 7 years, plays a huge role in the child’s programming and conditioning.
The deep understanding behind this as quantum physics explains, is the atom itself which is an energy field - more nothing then something i.e. more energy than matter – the electron itself is a pure space, vibrating at a very high speed to form something called matter . Everything is just pure vibration in this universe! And vibration travels from one place to another instantly!
Now with this understanding…. Would you as a parent argue, shout, fight in the presence of your children?
It is obvious that the negative vibrations arising from the disturbing arguments are reaching the children and are having a deep adverse impact on their physical and emotional health.
I often ask my audiences that should we fight in front of children or shout in front of children? They obviously say No. Then next question is, if the child is in the other room and parents are in another, will shouting and fighting affect the child? Some of them say yes , some of them say no because children are not visually seeing the fight. To that I respond – definitely it affects the child. Then next we ask – suppose the children are in Mumbai and parents are in Delhi, will it affect the child if parents in Delhi are shouting and fighting? Almost all say no, not at all! And I answer of course it does!!
If parents are in New York and children are in Mumbai, will it affect the child? 100% of them say no, and I counter – definitely it will because it is all about the vibrations travelling!
Although the effect on the child is at a subtle level, we cannot refute the fact that this distant arguing has a detrimental influence on the subconscious mind of the child.
When a child sees and physically witnesses the actions, there is maximum effect, but even if the parents are shouting in a separate space, and child is in a separate space, the collateral damage caused cannot be ruled out. Forget about shouting, even if they speak harshly, it affects the child. Forget about speaking ill but thinking ill also impacts the child… Forget about thinking even if a couple feels resentment or irritation against each other it influences the child.. Forget about that, even if they intend to be disruptive to each other, it has a harmful effect on the child. Of course it is on a more and more subtle level but it eventually is instrumental in shaping the child’s emotional health.
Actions are most obvious. Subtler than actions are words with tonality; subtler than words and tone are thoughts; subtler than thoughts are feelings, and subtler than feelings are intentions towards each other.
So simply quit arguing ! When we say quit arguing, more than the verbal argument, I would urge you to quit having ill feelings towards each other if you want to have the best of parenthood. Now this applies not only in the first 7 years but even during the young adult years and definitely during their adolescence phase too.
Children unknowingly, simply keep on imbibing, all what we do, be or even think, feel or intend.
We need to become more and more aware and conscious about how we create a super relationship with our spouse so as to give the best to our child. In fact it is extremely important for the couple to share a strong bond of trust and love with each other before even planning a child. A couple joyous from within sets the ground for nurturing a joyful family.
Easier said than done!
Now the golden question – how can we stop arguing and have a wonderful relationship with our spouse so as to give the best to our children?
Well, as we say marriage is a workshop just like any other training. Just as we have learnt soft skills or hard skills, we have learnt how to build our body, build our muscles by regular practice, we have learnt how to drive a car by regular practice, we have learnt engineering or doctoring skills with regular practice and have also learnt how to do business or profession with regular practice. In the same way marriage also has to be worked upon! Yes it is a workshop! A continuous workshop 24*7*365.
A happy marriage makes happy couples, Happy couples make happy parents. Happy parents make happy children. Happy children make happy families creating a happy and loving world !
We can undergo an inner transformation on five levels to truly quit arguments and convert them into an expression of love and understanding amongst parents. These are:
Here are very simple tips for a healthy marriage and a joyous family.
Apply the tips to be a super parent and see what evolves out of this..
Effective Communication (Words)
First of all, most of the differences between spouses arise because of lack of communication. We think and feel differently from each other so to make sure we are on the same page, we need to communicate effectively with each other. This happens by spending quality time daily with each other, may be a minimum of 15 to 20 minutes together. An open and honest communication brings our thoughts, feelings and actions in sync with our spouse. The ideal time could be in the morning or may be after dinner when focused attention can be given to each other. We all know that heart-to-heart communication strengthens the foundation of a relationship.
Physical Expression (Action)
Affectionate body language like hugging can say far more than words ever can, and in fact most of what we communicate comes from signals that aren’t verbal.
Every husband and wife initially definitely love each other but our way of communication or expressing love can be in different ways. It becomes essential to understand each others’ love language Understanding the five ways of expressing love through the five love languages is of prime value. It could be quality time or words of appreciation or receiving gifts or doing some household activities or even expressing through physical touch. This is very nicely explained by Gary Chapman in his book Five Love Languages.
Each person has a different emotional tank and continuously filling his or her emotional tank is very important
A simple hug a day can go a long way in nurturing loving bonds. Hugs keep us alive! They sustain a relationship. So lets start by giving insurmountable amount of love and hugs to everyone. Hug our spouse. Hug our child. Hug our parents..Hug to nurture harmonious relationship. It is experienced that the more we hug, the more fulfilled we feel and the more honest we become with our feelings. Hugs make us feel emotionally connected to each other. A simple act of affection goes a long way in keeping our relationships harmonious and enriched.
Soon the arguments will cease and the child too starts participating in this visible expression of care by expressing through hugs!
Understand Human Needs (Thoughts)
Each of all our behaviour arises from one of the six human needs which if we understand then relationships become very very easy and fulfilling..
Most arguments amongst couples arise because men and women are wired differently.
For a man, he requires his space constantly. And a woman feels relaxed while expressing herself. One of the main reasons for misunderstandings to occur between a man/woman is lack of understanding of each others’ way of communicating. Basically, men when silent are resolving things within themselves and a woman gets her problem resolved by speaking and sharing with others.
Because a woman likes to share everything, so she feels confused and threatened when the man doesn’t verbalize and express his feelings. She perceives that he doesn’t trust her. Likewise the man also feels that the woman need not be so upset about her emotions and fights and could try to resolve issues more within herself rather than vocalize her feelings.
This often becomes the root cause of marital discord leading to unnecessary arguments.
To make this situation harmonious, the man needs to simply listen patiently, calmly to the woman’s thoughts which are like waves and the woman needs to introspect within herself and then articulate her emotions part by part to the man. She needs to remember that a man’s emotions are like a rubber band and he needs some time to himself to assimilate his feelings. This emotional connection will bring them closer to each other and will dissolve the minor outbursts of emotional turmoil between them.
Love and anger are two sides to the same coin. Love and anger co-exist. Love grows with fights. Love grows with differences. But eventually disturbances, irritations, complaints and arguments dissolve and only love remains.
True Love (Feelings)
If we can drop the words should be, must be, right/wrong, good/bad from our vocabulary, then we will experience a beautiful relationship with not only our spouse but with our children too. These are the formation and base of all our conditioning.
These words and feelings of expectation can be easily reversed and one can instantly experience feeling the WOW in the marriage.
What do we mean by WOW feeling?
WOW means simply appreciating the other person! Simply seeing the wonderful quality in that person. In fact the person who is appreciating feels more wow than the person who is getting appreciated. The person who appreciates is helping his/her own self esteem to rise and he/she feels wonderful about life. People who can feel the WOW can appreciate EVERY one in their life. This is like an energy circle. Appreciating someone raises our own feeling of self-worth which in turn enables us to recognize the higher qualities in another.
How does one find the WOW in our marriage?
All we have to do is to find some quality which we find wonderful in our spouse and which we do not possess. Once we start appreciating that quality, we will notice the difference it makes in our relationship
Let us take the example of a husband-wife relationship. I am sure wives do chores that the husband is not capable of and the husband similarly runs errands that the wife isn’t inclined towards. We may simply appreciate the work that we cannot do, but he/she can do. Same goes with children. Simply appreciate that, which we cannot be/do/have. This way of looking at life will change the whole perspective. Once we express our appreciation to each other we find that discordant arguments simply dissolve.
This is of paramount value in the upbringing of our children. The child will grow up in an environment of appreciation and with a sense of well-being. This sets an important base for the future emotional growth.
Looking at romantic love between a man and woman, we see that 99% of these relationships end up and turn into a relationship of tremendous hate between them. Their life oscillates between intense love, tremendous hate and terrible fights; this is not true love.
When man and woman love each other without possessiveness or possessing, without saying that you are mine and I am yours, without binding to duties, conditions and expectations, their love is true love. They simply appreciate the other and are so full of joy.
True Love is the absence of conditions.
True Love is the absence of comparisons.
True Love is the absence of possessions.
True Love is the absence of must be’s and should be’s.
True Love is absence of compulsions.
When this becomes the rock solid basis of a marriage, the child raised in this environment is confident, will feel loved and expresses through love and joy in the world. This child automatically operates from a strong emotional base and has an all-round healthy development.
Pure Intentions (Vibrations)
Parents who are in tune with each other’s thoughts, feelings and needs have sown the seeds in a fertile ground for the child’s wholesome development.
As Guruji Shree Rishi Prabhakarji says, “The child’s behavior mirrors the atmosphere at home and the parents’ way of being.”
It is the inner transformation of the parents that brings about an outer transformation and has a deeply enriching influence on the child.
As children grow, especially in adolescence age, it is very very important to give them their space and freedom, their left brain starts working so they require lot more understanding as they grow.
Most of the time, this is the phase when parents themselves have difference of opinion amongst them regarding their teenage child’s ways. It is healthy to encourage an open discussion and allow our spouse as well as our teenage child to express thoughts and feelings on any subject.
Ideally we should spend 15 to 20 minutes exclusively with each other every day discussing how our day was. This would enhance the relationship at each step of life.
If the parents work along with each other in this area, they will have less and less of their own fights and disagreements and will surely quit arguments in the presence of their children.
Undergoing the SSY ( Siddha Samadhi Yoga) program with my wife Nina, truly transformed my life. The program imparts the key understandings for creating joyful families.
This is the greatest gift that I have received from my master Guruji Shree Rishi Prabhakarji.
We also run many relationship enhancement programs such as ISP – Art of Parenting, Magic of Marriage, Art of Harmonious Relationships and many more..
I wish you all the best to explore each other through these development programs which we conduct in the areas of conscious parenting and healthy relationships. .
Healthy and harmonious relationships influence the emotional well-being of our children. Positive and supportive relationships help them to feel healthier, happier and deeply content with their lives.
Let us together gift our children a glorious world of acceptance, appreciation and love.